Navigating MFF Swinger Threesomes

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So you’ve both decided to live out your fantasy of bringing another woman into your bed. Great. Now what? Agreeing to pursue a fantasy is just the first step of turning a dream into reality. Navigating a new sexual activity, regardless of what it is, with your partner can be challenging even under the best of circumstances.

Whenever you and your significant other consider expanding your relationship boundaries, many conversations must be had, words of affirmation that must be said, and a lot of trust that must be earned. Making sure that everyone has been able to express their wants, needs, and boundaries is essential.

Before jumping into bed with a third person, the first thing to do is talk about why you want a threesome and what you want to happen during the encounter. Take the time to assess the health of your relationship to determine if you are ready for a threesome. Make sure that the prospect is exciting to both of you and that neither feels pressured to live out the other’s fantasy.

Once you’ve determined that it is something that you both want, take time to discuss the details.

Essential topics to include in your discussion:

  • Who will be your third? Discuss your preferences for choosing a stranger versus someone you already know.
  • Are any activities off-limits? Don’t make the mistake of assuming that your idea of a perfect threesome is the same as your partner’s. Be clear if intercourse with the unicorn is okay with both of you (and, if so, what kind or kinds). You will also want to have this conversation with the woman you decide to bring to bed too! As in all lifestyle activities, consent is crucial.
  • Where will the encounter take place? Some couples prefer to play at home while others prefer hotels or lifestyle clubs. If you choose to host at home, decide if you want to use your primary bedroom or another location in your home.
  • Will this be a one-night stand, or are you hoping for an ongoing arrangement? This preference could impact the unicorn you choose as some women are only interested in single encounters while some prefer ongoing arrangements and others have no preference.
  • How will you check in with each other during your play session? Agree on a few verbal and non-verbal cues that will enable you to communicate with each other discreetly. These secret signals will help clarify whether moving forward is okay or if things need to slow down.

Finding Your Unicorn

If you already know the woman you want to invite to join your three-way action, please feel free to skip to the next section.

For many couples, finding the right person for their MFF is the hardest part. As with couple swaps, clear chemistry between all parties is vital but not easy to find. Swinger dating sites are a great place to start if you are looking for a single (or attached, non-monogamous) woman interested in playing with couples. Local lifestyle clubs can also be good venues for finding your potential fit.

Some couples prefer a more old-school route and choose to seek out their bedmates at vanilla bars. This approach tends to have a lower success rate, but it does offer a great couple’s night out if nothing else.

Common Feelings and How to Handle them

As we stated earlier, there are specific common feelings associated with the idea of a threesome, and they must be fully dealt with before it happens.

  1. Consent is Crucial

If you are committed to your partner, a threesome should not happen unless she is onboard with it. Consent is the most important thing to tick off the checklist, and each person has to be sure that it is what they want. It is vital that no one feels coerced or forced to agree, and once this part is settled, you can address other feelings.

  1. It is normal to get excited.

The idea of a threesome completely turns many people on. This is because they get to experience someone new sexually, watch their partner have sex with someone else, and even learn an adventurous and fresh sexual style. It is an avenue for you and your partner to live out a fantasy in the comfort of your relationship, and it is exciting to consider. Also, imagine how incredible it would feel to be stimulated by two people at once! Adding another female to your routine can give you intense pleasure and a fantastic orgasmic release.

  1. How to ask for a threesome?

Another common feeling people have when discussing threesomes with their partners is a possible lack of trust and confidence in the relationship.  It is important to begin any suggestion of a threesome by first restating your commitment to your partner and your existing relationship. How you present the idea will greatly influence how it is received. Try to reassure your partner by saying things like, “I think this would be so hot to share with you,” “This is a way to switch things up in the bedroom,” or “I want us to experience something different together.”  Statements like these focus on the benefits to the relationship rather than on just one person’s fantasies.

However, if you and your partner already have trust, jealousy, or commitment issues, suggesting a threesome will add fuel to the already bursting flames. In this case, you should wait till after you work out your problems and you are both in a safe, happy space in the relationship.

  1. Everyone should be comfortable and included

Before engaging in a threesome, ensure that everyone is totally comfortable with each other. There is bound to be a certain awkwardness often caused by discomfort; however, this can be eliminated when you all feel connected, both emotionally and sexually. Also, one of the worst sexual experiences is feeling left out during a threesome. The same way no one wanted to be the last one picked for drama club or softball in high school is similar to the feeling of being forgotten in this scenario, and it sucks. Luckily, you can avoid this by going on a date with the other female and getting connected before getting down to business. This also helps everyone build sexual chemistry, which is very important in the bedroom.

Where to Find a Unicorn (Single female)

Once all the feelings surrounding the idea are addressed, the next step is where/how to find a willing unicorn, aka a single female. Certain social cues would let you know if the other female is down for the experience or not. For example, you could go to a bar with your partner and sit on opposite ends. Next, approach a female you both like and start flirting with her; after a while, your partner would join in and flirt with her as well. This should give her an idea of what you both want, and she will immediately agree to go home with you or walk away. Either way, you will get an answer almost immediately, which saves time if you have to find someone else. Also, after spending some time in this scene, it will be easier to pick out people who could be interested in your little escapade just off their energy and the vibe they give off. It would shock you to realize many couples are often in bars trying to find a new, willing recruit, so do not think you are alone.

You can also try swinger dating sites. These sites are designed for all kinds of swingers to meet, but you have to be clear about your intentions to make sure you connect with someone that wants the same situation. Ensure you have clear body pictures of you and your partner, as this will make it easier and faster for the other female to make a decision. Also, don’t forget to take all necessary safety measures when inviting a stranger into your bed.

Another unpopular but plausible option is asking someone you both know. This might seem a bit messy, but it eliminates the time you would take to get to know a stranger and the awkwardness that comes with it. If the other person is into it, and everyone is comfortable, we do not see why this should not work. However, we understand it might hit a bit too close to home for some people.

Reconnecting with Your Partner Afterward

After a threesome, it can be tricky for some couples to reconnect immediately and act as nothing happened, and for others, it takes some time to accept what did happen. Some people even deal with feelings of disgust and guilt, especially when they did not have a proper discussion before the experience. Regardless of how you feel afterward, you must acknowledge what happened and find a way to reconnect with your partner.

A great way is to talk about how you both feel after the unicorn leaves. This focuses on both of you and your relationship, which is the center of everything. You can now discuss aspects like; Was it worth it? Was the experience satisfactory? Did you learn something new about each other?, Were you both comfortable throughout the experience? Will you remain in contact with your unicorn? And do you want to do it again? These questions are like a quality assessment procedure, and it helps if you are both completely honest with each other.

Reconnecting with your partner after a threesome is very important, and it can only be done through in-depth communication. Try your best to lay it all out and say exactly how you feel without mincing words. This exercise will help keep you both on the same page regarding threesomes moving forward.

Final Tips

Many people want to try threesomes but are scared of having a conversation with their significant other. If you are reading this, we say, let go of the fear and just ask! The worst you could get is a no, and you can move on from it.

A threesome between a couple and a unicorn will only be successful if everyone is on board with the idea and 100% comfortable with it. Communication is extremely crucial in this scenario, as assuming anything could be very dangerous for everyone involved. Being sensitive to everyone’s needs, attentive and loving is a great way to get the show off to a great start and have a very fulfilling experience with your partner and a lucky unicorn.



Pegging 101

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Let’s cut to the chase: pegging is in. And for very good reason. 

A sex act where one person wears a strap-on dildo, and uses it to penetrate the anus of their partner, “pegging” as a term is relatively new…but the practice is not. It can be traced back as far as Ancient Egypt (what can’t?), but it wasn’t until 2001 when Dan Savage coined the term with the help of his Savage Love community. And thus, a star sex phrase was born. 

While anyone can be penetrated, there’s a special benefit for penis owners. Just like vulva owners have G-spot orgasms – those deep, internal orgasms that feel like your entire core is throbbing – penis owners can have prostate or “P-spot” orgasms, which yield a similarly internal, explosive O. How? By having their prostate gland stimulated, accessible only via the anus. Enter: the strap-on dildo. 

Since 2020, sales of strap-ons have increased nearly 200% for online sex toy retailer Lovehoney, and that’s just one brand, folks. Likely due to increased pop culture exposure (think Broad City) and our ever-evolving views of masculinity and femininity, more folks feel liberated now to try it. So how do you dive in?

Let’s discuss the 4 “pegs” of pegging, so you can have satisfying strap-on sex. Remember: you do not have to be an adult film actor to pull this off! Unless you are one already, in which case, keep shining. 

1. Who can peg?

Anyone. While prostate stimulation is a treat for penis owners, there’s only a thin membrane wall in the anus separating a vulva owner from their G-spot. If they are pegged, they can experience an anal orgasm as well, which is SO great. 

2. How does it work?

Maybe it sounds straightforward – strap on dildo, penetrate partner – but there’s a looot to consider to have your best strap-on sex.

  • The first is prep. Just like you wouldn’t pop into the splits without stretching, the same goes for our sphincter muscles. If someone is going to be pegged (the “pegee” if you will), they would be wise to do some anal training in advance. This can happen alone or with a partner: a partner can give them digital penetration to help their sphincter muscles relax and become more pliable. But alone, the pegee can insert butt plugs during solo or partnered sex, or truly…anytime. Plugs train the sphincter muscles to “give” more during penetration, and do not worry, you can’t permanently stretch out your anus. This step simply adds more elasticity to your already elastic anal opening. 
  • Another note, pegees. It’s not a bad idea to clean out 30 to 60 minutes before playtime, with a body-safe enema. While waste is actually not stored in your anus – it’s stored in your upper bowels – fecal matter can be present in the lower bowels. Not a huge deal, but if you know you’d feel more secure if you’re sparkling clean there, consider this step. 
  • Next: the person doing the pegging (the “pegger”) should get comfortable with their strap-on. That could look like literally walking around the house in it, to make sure nothing is chafing or feeling uncomfortable. What you want to feel is a firm, snug fit with your harness or underwear, so that it doesn’t feel like anything is slipping off, but neither is it so tight you’re losing blood circulation. 
  • Finally, let’s talk in-the-moment foreplay and positions. Before jumping right into pegging, I recommend ample anal play first, such as fingering or rimming. Not only are these things super erotic, they build anticipation for the fireworks to come.

As for positions, please apply lots of lube and consider the following: do you want the pegee to set the rhythm, or the pegger? 

If the latter, doggy style is a nice option, in all its variations. The pegee could be on all fours or lying down on their stomach while the pegger enters, or, you could take this same configuration standing up, depending on each person’s height. If the former, cowboy/cowgirl is lovely, with the pegger laying down on their back, and the pegee sitting upright straddling them, setting both rhythm and penetrative depth. 

Whatever position you try, communication and patience are paramount. If you’re brand new to this, expect it to feel experimental at first. That’s because it is! With more experience, you’ll eventually be able to sink into the moment, and not think so hard about the logistics. 

3. What equipment is required?

Now let’s get into the nitty-gritty of what you will need. 

  • The pegger will need a strap-on dildo, harness, and/or strapless briefs. An alternative for vulva owners is the strapless dildo, where instead of a harness or briefs, a rounded portion of the dildo sits inside the wearer, relying on the strength of the pegger’s pelvic floor to hold in place – while also stimulating their own vulva. Penis owners can also use a strapless dildo, which fits over their penis as an extender. 
  • Everyone will need lots of lube. Do check to ensure your dildo material is compatible with your lube: silicone lube can degrade the quality of silicone toys. 
  • Another good tool to bring to the party is a towel, which you can throw down for easy cleanup. Remember: sex is messy! And you both may need to be part of the cleanup crew when all is said and done. No shame, and remember – you’ve got a towel. 

4. What are the benefits of pegging?

Potentially awesome anal orgasms, for one. But there are benefits that go way beyond the bedroom.

  • For penis owners, prostate massage reduces inflammation and the risk of prostate cancer. 
  • If the partner pairing is a straight couple, the role reversal allows penis owners to experience sex from their partner’s perspective. When I asked my SWE community on Instagram what they thought about pegging, one individual said that it made him a better, more empathetic top. Another said, “I love being bent over, it’s such a treat. I really wish more women were into it!” And several shared that pegging increased intimacy between partners, helping penis owners open up and become more emotionally vulnerable. 
  • For vulva owners, the novelty of being the pegger can be a huge turn-on, experiencing dominance in the bedroom in a new, exciting way. It’s also fulfilling to know you can provide a fresh kind of pleasure to your partner, no matter what genitals your pegging partner has. 
  • In fact, studies have shown that vulva owners who engage in anal sex have more orgasms and more intense orgasms than their non-anal-play counterparts, which just goes to show that variety is the spice of life, and more to the point, the spice of sex.

While pegging requires a leap of faith on everyone’s part, it’s an opportunity to unlock wildly new levels of eroticism and pleasure. Use this guide as a starting point on your anal adventure, and enjoy seducing the booty once and for all.



Mind Blowing Oral in 5 Minutes: The Kivin Method

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There’s a trendy new oral sex method that has many women singing from the rooftops.

It’s called The Kivin Method, and today we are going to teach you all the juicy details…


Both bloggers and sex therapists are all abuzz with this Kivin Method. Many are even claiming that it provides orgasms within 5-10 minutes for any vulva owner. We believe it’s important not to be goal-oriented about sex having to lead to orgasm, and that faster isn’t necessarily better. However, The Kivin Method claims to increase the intensity of orgasms, and enhance overall pleasure, and we are down to support that!

Even if you are in a great oral sex routine already, and consistently experiencing pleasure and orgasms, it’s good to be receptive to experiencing pleasure in different ways. Vulva owners have anatomy that is capable of multiple different types of orgasms and pleasure, so try something new today.

Every vulva owner is vastly different in what, when, and how they enjoy receiving oral sex. So it’s important to note that what floats one person’s boat isn’t always going to float another. Because of that, it’s crucial that you utilize lots of communication when giving or receiving oral sex.

Let your partner know you’d like to try a new technique with them, and ask if they are comfortable with that, and ask for verbal feedback during and after.


The Kivin Method has three key aspects to master that differ from the ‘traditional’ cunnilingus style; positioning, direction, and physical feedback. Let’s dive into each element so we can master the technique together.

Perfection Positioning

With ‘traditional cunnilingus positioning’, we usually see the giver in between the receiver’s legs, facing towards their partner. Their nose points towards the belly button and their chin towards the booty. Hopefully, you’re with me so far, because this is where it gets a little…sideways.

With this method, the giver actually lays perpendicular to their partner, at a 90-degree angle, making somewhat of a capital ‘T’ with their bodies. So instead of looking upwards at the clit, you’re looking at it sideways.

You can experiment with coming in from either side of your partner’s body. Because most vulva owners have one side of their clit that is more sensitive than the other, it’s a good idea to try both sides and ask them which was their fave.

You can tackle this positioning a couple of different ways. Choose what works best based on your physical comfort, as well as the receivers sensitivity preference. If the vulva owner enjoys being widely spread for maximum stimulation, suggest they pull their legs back for more intense stimulation. Some people prefer closed legs and the sensation of the labia massaging the sides of the clitoris. In that case, suggest they keep their legs down and open their legs enough for your tongue to get in and do its magic.

Delightful Directions

There are a few techniques to master with your hands for this move. With your left hand, place your index finger and thumb on either side of the clitoris to raise it and help keep it in place while you lick. Communicate verbally with your partner as to what finger positioning feels best for them, and adjust accordingly.

Some people who have tried this method claim that once the clitoris is aroused, they can feel two small bumps on either side of the clitoral hood, which feel like two small grains of rice. These are called “K points”. If you are able to feel them, sweep your tongue over the clitoral hood in between these two points.

Remember that the clitoral tissue swells when aroused, just as a penis does. So, if you’re unable to find them at first, stay curious and you might notice these bumps become more apparent during the experience. Of course, everyone’s genitals are unique, and some may not have detectable “K points”. Don’t worry too much if you can’t find them, it’s more important to listen to your partners verbal and physical feedback anyway.

Try a few different positions with your left hand, and remember that the changes your partner needs might be really subtle, so check with them and listen carefully to what feels good before you commit to one hand position. You may want to do a few licks during this time to help your partner determine what hand position feels best.

Tantalizing Tongue Work

Now that you’re in position, do some tongue warm-ups (just kidding…or am I?) and get licking! The trick with this snazzy move is that you’re licking horizontally (instead of the usual vertical direction) across the hood of the clit in a gentle up and down motion, much like you’d eat an ice cream cone. Delicious.

It’s crucial that you try a few different variants with your tongue to hone in on exactly what your partner likes before you get into a rhythm. The key with this method is to figure out the nuances that feel best on your partner and then STAY CONSISTENT. Don’t make me shout it out to the people in the back, listen up!

Frankly, this is usually pretty important to most vulva owners receiving any type of oral sex. Once you’re onto a good thing, stay with it. To figure out what works best, check out our clit touch styles.


The suggestion for your right hand with the Kivin method is to place gentle pressure on the perineum (sometimes known as the taint). The perineum is a pleasure barometer and noticing the involuntary muscle contractions and spasms of the receiver will help you hone in on what feels best. No words necessary.

Some people find pressure on their perineum uncomfortable. This can easily be adjusted by experimenting with inserting a finger (or two) into the vaginal canal, or gentle massage of the exterior or interior of the anus. Either of these should give you similar feedback, so explore what works best for you.

Physical feedback can also be assessed by observing visually. Look for involuntary muscle movements in your partner’s stomach muscles, as well as notice their breathing patterns.

Of course, these physical feedback cues can be great, but it’s really important to ask for and listen to verbal directions and feedback also.


So is this “revolutionary new technique” really all that new or revolutionary? Probably not, since people have been performing sideways cunnilingus for (presumably) thousands of years. But, being able to name a technique gives us important language to use in communicating with partners.

This method also has a few tricks that help provide some valuable feedback about your partner’s arousal.

It’s fun to explore new things in your sex life, and to learn subtle tips and tricks that can improve your sexual satisfaction and your partners. Plus it’s wonderful to have the concise language for communicating your preferences to sexual partners.



Very nice ass with a whip

11 Common Fetishes

A swingers club can be a great place to explore SOME fetishes! We came across this article by Allure that lists 11 common fetishes ranging from bondage to anal sex. Try something new (with consent!) this weekend at Trapeze Club!

1. Impact Play

Impact play means spanking, flogging, paddling, and other forms of consensual striking. Spanking is often an easy and safe BDSM entry point that leads to exploring more, such as purchasing a crop to use with a partner. Impact play can range from a light slap on the bum to a crack of the whip.

As with any kink or fetish, it’s important to negotiate boundaries beforehand. “Safety and comfort are the most important aspects of kink,” Renye says. Do your homework before practicing impact play. Discuss the level of intensity you enjoy (or your partner enjoys), choose a safe word to shut down the action on a dime if need be, and learn what parts of the body are safe to impact. Stick with the meaty areas, like the ass and thighs, and avoid less protected areas where organs live, like the lower back. For both financial savings and safety, it’s a good idea to start out simply using your hand before investing in bigger and badder impact play toys, for example a whip or paddle.

2. Role-Playing

You don’t have to stop playing make-believe when you grow up. Role-playing means acting out a sexual fantasy with your partner(s), either once or as part of an ongoing fantasy, Renye says. While it can be a fetish or kink within itself, it’s also a healthy way to act out other fantasies. For instance, if you have a medical fantasy, and are aroused by doctors, you probably don’t actually want your doctor to get sexy with you because that would be creepy and abusive. The beauty of role-playing is that you can have your partner dress up as a doctor and indulge your fantasy consensually in your own home.

Role-playing scenarios range from classic schoolgirl-and-professor scenes to the more taboo, such as daddy dom and little girl. “There’s a huge stigma on daddy and brat/princess play, but I love it. I can’t have sex without calling someone daddy,” Stephanie says. Such role-playing can involve both age play, in which one partner pretends or both partners pretend to be an age other than their own, and incest fantasies. It’s not unusual for a fetish to overlap into one or more categories.

3. Foot Fetish

A foot fetish involves a desire to worship feet through acts such as massage, kissing, and smelling. As professional dominatrix Goddess Aviva told Allure, it’s an extremely common fetish. If your partner shares that they have a foot fetish, it may be initially jarring, but it’s an opportunity for you to discuss a potentially exciting new part of your sex life together. (And, if you’re into it, just think of all the foot massages headed your way!)

4. Anal Sex

You don’t need to have an anal fetish to engage in anal sex, but plenty of people do specifically get off on butt stuff. Anal play can range from adding a finger in the ass during penetrative vaginal sex to using butt plugs to having anal sex with a penis or a dildo. In a recent study, 37 percent of women and 43 percent of men said they had engaged in anal sex (in which women received and men gave).

Stephanie says that she’s observed anal play become more socially acceptable since she began exploring kink in college, and she credits mainstream media for helping to destigmatize the act (think of the infamous rimming scene in Girls, where Marnie gets her ass eaten, or the epic Broad City episode where Jeremy asks Ilana to peg him). Since the butthole is not self-lubricating and harbors bacteria that can lead to infection when transferred to the vagina, it’s important to stock up on lube and read up on ass etiquette before engaging in anal play. That includes safer sex precautions such as condom use.

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5. Lingerie

Renye says that one of the most common fetishes centers on something that may be sitting inside your dresser right now: lingerie. “[This] may show up in sexual play between and among individuals who may not even consider themselves kinky or to have a fetish (or two or three),” she says. Again, while many people get aroused by sexy underwear, lingerie becomes a fetish when someone needs it to be present in a sexual scenario in order to fully engage or get off. A common lingerie fetish involves stockings, a fetish that can overlap with a love of feet. Lingerie is an example of the lesser-used definition of a fetish: an attraction to an object. 

6. Group Sex

Group sex is getting it on with more than one person. If you’ve ever swiped on Tinder, you’re likely aware that many couples are searching for a third, although group sex can mean more than just a threesome. An orgy is when a group of people of all genders have sex, while a gangbang typically refers to one person having sex with more than two members of another gender (while the term has past violent connotations, it’s used in the kink community to refer to consensual scenarios). The most talked-about type of gangbang is a woman being penetrated by multiple penises. However, men can be gangbanged by multiple women, while with strap-ons, anyone can play out a penetrative gangbang. If you have a group sex fetish or kink but realistically only want to have sex with one other person, try using porn, dirty talk, or role-playing with the use of sex toys to explore within your current relationship.

7. Sensation Play

Sensation play can refer to a huge range of activities based on the receiving or withholding of different stimuli. For instance, one partner may blindfold the other to deprive them of their sense of sight, a form of sensory deprivation, or they may drag an ice cube along their skin, a form of sensation play known as temperature play. When it comes to giving sensation, think of everything from tickling a partner with your hands or a feather to biting them. Impact play is sometimes placed under the category of sensation play.

8. Orgasm Control

Orgasm control is part of BDSM, as it involves an element of dominance and submission. Edging, in which the submissive partner is brought to the brink of climax and then forced to stop — often done repeatedly — is an example of orgasm control. The idea here is that for as long as you like, you let your partner take the reins and determine when and how you come. As with all of the activities here, anyone can engage in orgasm control regardless of their genitalia.

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9. Bondage

Bondage is when one partner restrains the other. It’s usually a form of dominance and submission and falls under the BDSM umbrella. You can bind your partner using objects you already have around, such as a belt, or purchase specialty kink items like handcuffs. To engage in restraint play safely, establish boundaries and a safe word, emphasize consent and communication at every step, and start slow. (And take care not to cut off anyone’s circulation!)

10. Psychological Play

While physical actions, such as spanking, are often the most discussed kinks and fetishes, some of the most intense sexual play takes place in the mind. Renye refers to psychological power play as “mind control,” and it’s a type of BDSM. Psychological play involves implementing a sexual power exchange: Humiliation play, for example, might involve a submissive partner getting off on being called names. Consensual threats are an example of psychological play; one example is a domme warning a male submissive with a foot fetish that he’ll have to lick her feet if he doesn’t fall in line and do exactly as she says.

11. Voyeurism

study on fetishes published in the Journal of Sex Research found voyeurism — or obtaining sexual pleasure from watching others who are naked or having sex — to be one of the most common fetishes. Of course, as with every other fetish, engage in voyeurism consensually, for example at a sex party where a couple has given you permission to watch; watching someone without their permission is never acceptable. The flip side of voyeurism is exhibitionism, which means achieving sexual pleasure by allowing others to watch you. (A sex party is a great setting in which to do this, too.)


Happy Swinging!



Thomas, Sophie Saint. “11 Sexual Fetishes That Are Way More Common Than You’d Think.” Allure, Allure, 1 Nov. 2017,

Top Swinger Date Ideas

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Congratulations, you’ve found a great swinger couple to meet up & have fun. Now the hard part, trying to figure out what to do on your swinger date. We all know swingers eventually want to have sexy fun but how do we have fun before sexy time? Where do swingers go and what activities are a good idea to help jump start the sexy flirting and naughty teasing? Today’s your luck day, we have plenty of options and helpful tips to make picking the right swinger date plans for you.

General Dating Tips

Here are the basic concepts of what we all want to happen during a sexy swinger date.

  • We want the chance for flirty chatting, so nothing too loud or places we can’t talk.
  • We want potential for teasing touches, so interactive stuff is super helpful.
  • Easy escape if there is no four way connection. Don’t want to be trapped in a bad situation.
  • Have fun but nothing to crazy like getting wicked drunk which would stop sexy time.

First Swinger Date Ideas

Swinger Clubs

You might be thinking isn’t this like bringing sand to the beach? Sorta. If you have never met this couple, then meeting at a swinger club can be a very wise choice. Many swingers (especially new ones) will flake out. Maybe they are nervous newbies or maybe their babysitter cancels. There are many reasons for last minute no-shows & they all aren’t fun. If they no-show, you can still have fun and go find another couple at the swinger club. If they do show up, you can have fun playing at the club & save the money you would have spent on a hotel room.


This well-tested date option is a very reliable choice. If possible, find a restaurant that has a spread out layout so you can have more privacy around your table. Try to find a restaurant with plenty of menu options to appeal to everyone. Don’t worry about their dessert menu. Hopefully everything goes so smoothly over dinner and you will all want to pick up dessert and head to a hotel room for sexy playtime.

Pool Hall/Bowling

Shooting some pool at your local pool hall or doing bowling can be really fun. You can grab some drinks and have the guys play against the ladies. This provides good opportunities for flirting and playful touches as you sexily distract each other from making your shots. You can also “help” each other with some hands-on help to make your shots. Plenty of chances to stoke the heat before you move the party to a more private place.

Beer/Wine/Food Festivals

These are great opportunities to walk around, talk and try new things together before you go try new things together in the bedroom. The beer & wine tastings are extra helpful since it keeps the kids away and makes it easier for you to get into a sexier mindset. These festivals have plenty of different options so there is likely something that will appeal to everyone’s different taste.

Private Yoga Class

Yoga clothes can provide a real sexy tease and doing some stretching can help make the later sexy fun even more memorable. If you book a private class, you can also try some of the more risqué poses and even help each other’s partner in those risqué poses.

Date Ideas for Repeating Couples

Hosting At Home

You might have a great swinger setup with a pool, hot-tub and awesome playroom but you should save this for the second or third swinger date. If you have never met the couple, you can’t be sure there will be a sexy four way connection.


This is a better second or third swinger date idea. Why? Because you can’t talk during movies and you are stuck in your seat. Yes a dark movie theater can be fun but probably not your best option for a first swinger date.


Getting on the water can be super fun. Ladies in their sexy swimsuits & guys trying to keep their eyeballs not falling out from all of their admiring. The issue here is you will be stuck on the water together and unless you are Jesus, its hard to walk away. This option is better suited for well screened swinger couples or second & third swinger dates.


These can be super exciting but with the loud music and your dirty dancing as you grind against each other. The problem is they aren’t the best for conversations. That makes it really hard to develop a sexy four way connection on first dates. This is why you probably want to reserve this fun option for only repeat dates with swinger couples you already have established a sexy connection.

Bad Swinger Date Ideas

Here are some swinger date ideas that aren’t the best. You might love them and they might work for you but keep an open mind and read our explanations why these date ideas might not be the best option. To be fair we probably shouldn’t call them bad date ideas and but rather say these are potentially flawed ideas. Be smart and figure out what will work best for you and your swinger friends.

Gun Range

Guns can be a controversial topic & controversy is rarely the best path to sexy fun with new friends. Even if guns aren’t a controversy, its still not a great swinger date because its really hard to chat & flirt while wearing your ear protection & dumping lead downrange. Thirdly, it’s not the smartest idea to wear sexier outfits to the range. Trust us, a hot casing falling down your cleavage isn’t fun.

Live Music Cafes

On the surface, it seems really cool to hit a live jazz joint or an open mic night. The potential problem is many musicians and venues don’t allow talking during the live music so it can be hard to connect & flirt. If you or they are performing, you can’t be sure the others will appreciate the performance. There are probably much better options for your swinger dates.


Unless its the Museum of Sex in NYC, you probably don’t want to pick a museum for your swinger get-together. They tend to be much quieter places so you need to be careful not to be overheard. Plus they don’t usually inspire sexy thoughts. Why not choose something more exciting and enticing?


It might sound like fun to go shopping for lingerie, wine or whatever else together. This can be prone to awkwardness. Even if you find something you want to buy like lingerie or a sex toy, it won’t help that night because you won’t be able to wash it. Not to mention you can’t be sure about another couple’s financial situation. We don’t want to accidentally embarrass another couple for how much or how little they spend while shopping. It is safer if we minimize the impact money has the swinger dates.

Escape Room

This is not the best idea. Why? It is interactive and it is fun. It only gives you a semi-private place to be playful and work together, but remember there are cameras and a minimum wage high school kid is probably monitoring them. You probably need to watch what you say or touch while doing this. It can be a good option if you want a slower first date, but most swingers aren’t looking to take the slower & more vanilla-like approach.


Yes, plenty of swingers love to spend time in the gym but that doesn’t make it a wise swinger date. The more you all enjoy your gym workout the less energy you all will have for your bedroom workout. Probably smarter if you pick something less intense so you don’t end up blocking yourself from having sexy time.

Triple Date

You may love group swinger sex but arranging a date with multiple couples at once can be a bad recipe especially if it’s the first time meeting any of the couples. Even if you have met these couples separately, you can’t be sure how it will go when mixing couples. That can really change the dynamics & you can’t always be sure the other couples will be into each other. If you really want group fun, probably better to plan a swinger house party so everyone understands the situations and has more flexibility to do what they want.

What are some of your swinger date ideas?

Happy Swinging!



“How to Swing.” Swingers Help,

10 Ways to Pleasure a Penis

Written by Amanda Kohr on

Let’s talk about penises. As you probably know, penises are incredibly vulnerable to sensation—for better or worse. We’re focusing on the “better” as we share 10 penis sex tips designed to make your partner’s (or your own) nether regions feel amazing.

Keep in mind that this list is by no means comprehensive, nor will every tip work for every penis. The trick is to find ideas that work for you and the penis-owner in your life. And when trying new things, remember to ask for consent and check-in with your partner as you explore together.

Now then…who’s ready to play?

1. Play with penis rings.

It’s a common misconception that toys are purely for vulva-owners. I have good news for you: there are tons of toys out there, specifically designed for penis play. A nice entry-level option is the penis ring. When placed at the base of the penis, it applies pressure to the surrounding area, causing the blood vessels to constrict or tighten. This allows blood flow to leave the penis more slowly, AKA—longer and harder erections. (Oh, boy!)

There are even some penis rings out there that come with a “vibration” element, which can provide an added dose of pleasure for both the wearer and a vulva-owning partner. We’re especially fond of the Mio from Je Joue. the unique motor creates ultra-low-frequency vibrations, which feel like they travel further into the body than those from some other “buzzy” vibrating toys.

2. Practice edging.

It’s not unusual for penis-owners to occasionally experience bouts of “finishing too quickly,” or premature ejaculation. But—and this is a big but—there are things you can do to elongate playtime.

One way to keep the sexy times going is to practice edging. While playing with a penis, get your partner close to finishing—but don’t go all the way. Think of it as a 1-10 scale: if 10 is explosive orgasm, and 1 is asleep, you want to take them to a 7 or 8 level, then bring them back down to a 4 or 5…only to rev them back up again, to another tantalizing edge.

Keep this up for as long as they can handle it. Not only does it make the final finish that much hotter, but it can also help increase your partner’s stamina.

3. Utilize a delay spray.

Another idea is to bring in reinforcements, because listen – penises are sensitive, and that’s ok. But by applying a topical “delay spray,” penis-owners develop more control over their orgasms and aren’t so at the mercy of their nervous system. Here’s the deal: the penis is full of nerve endings (fun!), especially at the top where the glans and the frenulum are located. When the spray is applied to the penis, it helps those nerve endings be a little less reactive. One popular option is Promescent’s Delay Spray, which is absorbed into the nerve cells just below the skin, and basically slows down how quickly your nerve endings tell your body to orgasm. More fun for everyone!

4. Take away their hands.

Have you ever heard the phrase “forced receiving”? Despite the name, it’s a consensual act (very important), where you restrain your partner so that you can take your sweet time pleasuring them—and, it’s one of our favorite penis sex tips.

This can be especially electric if the penis owner in your life is more often the “dominant” one in bed — but when you force your partner (literally, because of the restraints) to receive, you’re giving them delicious physical sensations…while enjoying your position of power. (And hey, chances are, it’s hot for them to experience submission.)

To restrain your partner, you can use something around the house (like a bathrobe tie), or you can invest in some legit bondage tools. Beginners might consider bondage tape from Good Vibrations. It only sticks to itself, so it’s an easy and safe way to make sure your partner stays nice and restrained. More advanced folks might like to explore SportSheet’s Under-the-Bed Restraint Systems. It turns any bed into a bondage playground, and has loops for your partner’s arms and legs. They won’t be going anywhere.

Psst. For an added bonus, Good Vibrations is offering 20% off all purchases now through August 31. Affordable and erotic!

5. Bring in the booty.

Not all penis-owners like things in their butt, but many do! Because penis owners have prostates, their anuses are filled with sensitive nerve endings, making it a fun place to explore (if both parties are consenting.) This can be done with a finger or a toy—just make sure you use lots of lube and follow the anal play essentials.

If butt stuff isn’t for you and your partner, there are still other ways to get your partner’s booty in the game. The next time you’re in missionary, grab your partner’s butt cheeks and pull them in deeper. Almost everyone wants to feel wanted (especially during sex) and grabbing your partner’s butt is a way to say, “I want all of you.”

6. Explore other erogenous zones.

Speaking of the butt, don’t forget about your partner’s myriad other erogenous zones! Often when we’re pleasuring a penis, we go straight for the shaft—which is totally fine, but there are so many other parts of the body that deserve attention. Some penis-owners love having their inner thighs teased, while others love their nipples toyed with right before orgasm. Some might like to be blindfolded and enjoy the anticipation of where your hand or mouth might travel on their body.

Remember that everyone has different erogenous zones. You can ask your partner what they like, or experiment, to learn how they respond.

7. Have a ball.

Now that we’re talking erogenous zones, let’s talk testicles. For many penis-owners, these are highly sensitive, highly pleasurable parts to play with — but, it’s not always intuitive how to approach them. Here’s a short menu of ideas to try:

Cup them, and move your hands over them gently
Blow on them, while providing oral sex
Lick each softly, possibly sucking one into your mouth
The keyword here is “gentle,” as going at them too aggressively—or, twisting—can be super painful, even resulting in injury. As long as you’re checking in, and trying out one or each of these ideas slowly, these oft-neglected penis companions can yield tons of pleasure.

8. Turn up (or turn down) the heat.

Temperature play is a great way to bring some diversity to your sex game, awaken new sensations, and make the whole encounter more surprising (in a good way).

The next time you go down on your partner, try sipping on some hot water or tea right before getting started. Alternatively, you can suck on some ice and bring cooler sensations into the bedroom. Temperature play also isn’t limited to the genitals—trace an ice cube across your partner’s body, or use a hot wax massage candle. Remember: there’s no right or wrong here (unless your heat methods are scalding, so be safe). You’re simply giving your partner’s penis novel feelings to enjoy, which can heighten overall excitement.

9. Make oral into dessert with flavored lube.

For some folks, flavored lube triggers memories of shady sex shops or overly-sweet oral sex experiences. But trust us when we say that’s not the case for all flavored lubes. In fact, these days, some are downright delicious—and make for an incredible penis sex tip.

Like anything in life, you’ve got to go for quality products in order to yield maximum success. Take System Jo for example; one of our go-to sexual accessories, System Jo’s lubes actually taste good. (Like, we might want to put them on ice cream, they taste so good.) Flavors include everything from Tiramisu to Creme Brulee to Mint Chocolate Chip, and they seriously taste just like the sweet treats they’re trying to replicate. Simply slather it on, and enjoy a dessert that’s yummy for both of you. Just remember that flavored lube is only intended for oral, so to keep things easy-breezy and infection-free, leave it out of any orifices.

10. Give them a show.

From tactile to taste, we’ve discussed lots of sensory methods for penis sex tips. Now, let’s focus on the visuals.

Mutual masturbation is a psychologically hot way to turn on a penis-owner, even if it seems – at first – somewhat indirect. Why? Because watching a partner touch themselves is both super intimate, and, a way for each of you to show off your inner voyeur (and exhibitionist).

We also love role play, as it allows each of you to dabble with power… but also? As far as visuals go, role play is a nice excuse to dress up. Just remember that role play is a spectrum, and you don’t have to jump into furry territory right off the bat. If role play is new for you, ask the penis owner in your life what would excite them to see — even if it’s just a suggestive pair of stockings.

That should be enough to get you started. Now go have fun with your favorite penis-owner. (And share this with a friend who might enjoy learning some new tips.)



You Don’t Have To Be Kinky To Have Good Sex

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Let’s talk about vanilla sex. “Vanilla sex” or “vanilla” is often used to describe people whose sex lives are mainstream, plain, or boring. While kink and BDSM have been becoming more and more popular and hogging the sexual spotlight, vanilla sex is often left behind. Some people even use the term in a derogatory sense. But let me clue you in on a little secret: you don’t need to be kinky in order to have good sex. In fact, a pure vanilla experience can be one of the best flavors out there.

I say no more to this “vanilla shaming.” Don’t yuck someone’s else’s yum! Instead, focus on the reasons why vanilla is awesome.

There’s still lots of room to play.

Vanilla is actually a larger category of sex than you might think. Often, vanilla sex includes slower, loving touch, deep kissing, lots of eye contact, and romance. For some, these are key ingredients for good sex.

As one of my kinky friends puts it, “vanilla” really just refers to someone who prefers more straightforward sexual activity. Maybe this is without an overlay of extra thought, planning, or intention that kinks and fetishes do. That doesn’t mean vanilla sex can’t be just as exploratory as kink. Since vanilla tends to focus on the physical act without the psychological influence of say, BDSM, you can take advantage of those physical acts by being fully present and mindful during sex.

It’s the mac-n-cheese of sex.

I once asked one of my friends to describe vanilla sex. She described it as,  “the mac-n-cheese of sex.” Some people might consider mac-n-cheese boring, but there is a reason people love comfort food. Embrace the comfort. Pull it over you like a warm blanket. Juicy, loving vanilla sex with someone you trust is as yummy as a homemade macaroni casserole. Eat it up!

Missionary is underrated. 

Vanilla sex has long been connected to the “missionary” position. Yet, the standard ‘ol position of missionary can be so satisfying and sexy AF. One of the reasons missionary is so hot is the eye contact, and more eye contact often equals more intimacy. For some, this level of connection takes sex from a kindergarten level to magna cum laude (pun intended).

In addition, missionary is sometimes a desirable position for female orgasm, as it can stimulate the clitoris. And if you’ve ever experienced a clitoral orgasm, you know there’s nothing boring about that.

Savor that vanilla cream.

In fact, vanilla sex can be a great way to achieve orgasm. While BDSM or kink or fetishes don’t always involve genital contact, vanilla is centered on it, which means a chance to hit the big O. If you are vanilla, try making it a goal to enhance your orgasms. There’s nothing hotter than someone getting off on something, so who cares if it is vanilla? Turn your vanilla turn-ons into a heyday for deeper orgasms!

Get the toys out and learn how to cum harder and faster. Use a vibe during sex or masturbation. I like the powerful Magic Wand. You can also play around with a couple’s vibe, like the We-Vibe Chorus. Take advantage of the power of deeper orgasms in your sex life.

It’s not all about kink!

As a BDSM coach, I often help couples find common ground in their individual desires. Many times, one partner is “kinkier” than the other. The more “vanilla” partner tends to label themselves as “not kinky enough,” as if somehow there is a sexual hierarchy.

I tell them the same thing I’m telling you: start considering “vanilla” sex (ie, regular” intercourse) as a kink, just like your other kinks. If you are super kinky, vanilla can also provide a lovely break between heavy BDSM sessions.

If your partner is vanilla and you’re kinky, you both need to explore your common ground and expand on it. Often I find with my coaching clients that one partner will label themselves as “vanilla” when in fact they reveal non-vanilla sexual preferences. This could include things like cuckoldry, role play, or impact play. Take a sexual exploration questionnaire and see what activities you and your partner are both interested in. You will not only discover things about your interior erotic life, but you may discover things about your partner, too.

Botton line? Vanilla is simply a flavor and a good one at that. Don’t get stuck on the label, just indulge.


How to Master These Awkward Positions

Written by Tolly Moseley on

Listen: missionary is fantastic (trust), but sometimes we all want to change it up a bit. And when we do, we reach in our back pocket of sex moves and pull out our experimental material: reverse cowgirl, interesting oral, 69, shower sex…you know, easy things. Not awkward at all,

Except, those ones in particular are actually not easy. They require a little practice, a little leverage, a little positioning—with results that are, at times, less hot AF and more WTF.

That’s why I’ve compiled a “cheat sheet” of pointers for your most asked-about sex positions. From, “how do I get my rhythm right in reverse cowgirl?” to, “how do I have shower sex without slipping and breaking my jaw?” This article provides a step-by-stepof some of the more challenging sex positions and how you can rock reverse cowgirl, oral, 69, and shower sex with as much pleasure (and as little awkwardness) as possible.

Reverse Cowgirl

Reverse Cowgirl is one of those positions that looks unbelievably hot but feels a little weird. Now let’s be clear: it’s great because 1) it provides a fantastic view of the booty, 2) the penetrating partner can place their hands on their partner’s hips, and 3) the person on top can set the rhythm. But setting the rhythm isn’t always easy, and if the person on top has a vulva, Reverse Cowgirl doesn’t necessarily provide clitoral stimulation. What’s a cowgirl to do?

To make this position fun for everyone, try this:

  • Start slow. If the penetrating partner has a penis, this position asks their suspensory ligaments to stretch slightly. So once the receiving partner has turned around, straddling their partner’s legs, have them lower down gradually. Before anyone starts thrusting, start with a slow rock.
  • Involve hands or a toy. In this position, the penetrating partner has an excellent opportunity to grab their partner’s hips or to prop themselves up on one elbow, and use the other hand to reach around. If you’re performing anal play and the receiving partner has a penis, you can use the freehand for digital stimulation. If the receiving partner has a vulva, the freed-up fingers can stimulate the clitoris with their fingers or a toy. Options!
  • Check yourself out. While the bottom partner has an A+ shot of the butt, the view isn’t as exciting for the person on top. So how about doing it in front of a mirror? That way, the top partner can check out the action via their reflection, and PS – research shows that this is a huge turn-on for vulva owners.
  • Try a seated variation. Instead of trying it on the bed, you can also practice reverse cowgirl in a chair or on the edge of a bed. In this position, the penetrating partner sits down, feet touching the floor, while the receiving partner sits on their lap, facing forward. This variation is preferable for many, because the penetrating partner is nice and close (and can use their hands to play with breasts or pecs), and if they have a penis, it’s a little easier on their ligaments…keeping things sexy and safe.

Oral Sex: Kivin Method, Facesitting and 69

Okay, oral sex isn’t necessarily a “position”—but maybe you want to simply change your oral game up a bit. Here are my top tips for making oral an unforgettable experience:

Kivin Method

This method differs from traditional oral sex, in that the giver actually lays perpendicular to their partner, at a 90-degree angle, making a capital ‘T’ with their bodies. So instead of looking upwards at the clit, you’re looking at it sideways. Experiment with what side you approach from because most clitorises have a side that is more sensitive than the other. (Science!)

You can tackle this positioning in a few different ways. Choose what works best based on your physical comfort, as well as the receiver’s sensitivity preference. If the vulva owner enjoys being widely spread for maximum stimulation, suggest they bend their knees and pull their legs back, for more intense stimulation.

The trick with this snazzy move is that you’re licking horizontally (instead of the usual vertical direction) across the hood of the clit in a gentle up and down motion, much like you’d eat an ice cream cone. That said, try a few different variations with your tongue to hone in on exactly what your partner likes: the Kivin Method hits more nerve endings than traditional oral, so this should be a fun experiment for both of you.


When done correctly, face-sitting can be extremely pleasurable (and erotic) to the person on top. But some folks get so nervous about hurting or suffocating their partner, that they avoid it altogether. Au contraire! You can pull this off safely. Here’s how:

  • Kneel into it.  Rather than face-sitting, think of this position more like face-kneeling. Position yourself over your partner by straddling their chest with your knees and scoot forward until you’re in place.
  • Use the headboard. You can also have your partner lie closer to a headboard (or for our exhibitionists: a window sill), so you can put your hands on it for extra support. This way, you can distribute your weight with your legs, knees, and arms.
  • Play with control. If you’re the “top,” your partner can lie completely still while you do all the moving, grinding as hard or soft as you want on their face, and doing motions that feel the best for you. (The advantage being: your partner won’t strain their jaw). OR, switch roles. Try it where you’re completely still on top, while your partner goes to work…and you’re freed up to focus on the sensations. They can also use a hand to pleasure themselves at the same time, because why not? Either way, be sure to communicate and check in with your partner, to ensure everyone is comfortable.


We’ll admit: we used to be one of those people who didn’t “get” the excitement around 69. Because while porn has made it look like one of those totally effortless positions, the truth is, it’s a lot of work! And can feel less like sex, more like multitasking.

However, there are hacks for making 69 waaaay more accessible, and now that we’ve tried these, we one hundred percent get the hype. So if you want to upgrade your 69 games, try this:

  • Lay side-by-side. One of the things that make 69 feel difficult is the physical mobility of the position itself. Being backward and on top of your partner (or vice versa) sometimes feels like a game of Twister. Instead, try lying next to one another on your sides, so that both you and your partner can access one another with more ease. Ah, that’s better! Now that you’re relaxed, start with some gentle teasing, gradually increasing the intensity.
  • Use your hands. Who says you have to solely use your mouth for 69? If your jaw gets sore or there’s simply too much to think about, try the “handy dandy:” one person performs oral, one person performs a hand job. You can also bring in toys, like tiny bullet vibrators or strokers. Not only do these give your hands and mouth a welcome break, they create their own novel sensations – instantly elevating the experience.
  • Distribute the effort. Just because you’re both working at the same time doesn’t mean you need to be giving or receiving with the same amount of effort continuously. 69 is a give-and-take: you can take turns giving, while they lay back and receive, and vice versa. This might result in some exciting “edging” play, allowing you both to experience the tease, build-up, and release.

Shower Sex

Hot water, naked bodies, and a steamy, slippery environment? What could go wrong??

Shower sex is super-pleasurable, provided no one’s hurting themselves. So here’s how to approach your shower (and your partner) with confidence: 

  • Play with your positioning. It’s no secret that one of the most common issues with shower sex is positioning. So for starters, try the classic bend-over: one partner stands in front of the other, facing away and bending over slightly. The other partner stands behind them, and either uses their penis or a strap-on to enter doggy-style. Depending on the size of the shower, the person in front can put their hands on the wall to help balance.
  • Get handsy.  You can also experiment with oral and hand play. If you’re using your hands, stand and enjoy some super hot mutual masturbation. Opting for oral? Simply take turns getting on your knees, giving your partner a wet trip to pleasure town.
  • Use what you’re working with. Different folks, different strokes, different showers. Much of your positioning will depend on what sort of shower you have. If you’re in a shower with a bathtub (and the tub is big enough), consider laying down with one partner on top of the other while letting the warm water cascade down your body. Have a removable showerhead? Because it’s money on the clitoris. Take turns getting wet and turned on with it, and if you finish, guess what? Clean-up is a snap.
  • Use the right accessories. Did you know that a ton of today’s sex toys are waterproof? Some toys even have suction cups that you can adhere to the wall for easy play and accessibility, which is genius on several levels.


If you partake, don’t forget your silicone lube! Silicone lubes are waterproof, meaning they won’t wash off until you want them to—just make sure you’re not mixing them with a silicone toy, since it can degrade the toy itself. If you want an oil lube, go for Foria’s Sex Oil. Also, take care that no lube gets on the floor, because shower sex is slippery enough, right? Keep your feet stable and your toys (not the floor) lubricated.

There you have it: your most challenging sex positions made easier. With these tips, we think you’re going to feel a lot more excited to experiment—because, at the end of the day, sex should feel like play, not a physics test. Have fun trying something new, and unleashing all the pleasure possible.




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With the rise in popularity of BDSM and all things kink, there are also a lot of misconceptions going around. Unfortunately, some of the recent movies about BDSM (not naming names *cough*) miss the mark on the cornerstone principles of BDSM for most kinksters.

The principles of BDSM can be extremely beneficial for even the most vanilla couple – even if you’re not ready to implement any of the kinky aspects.

Today we are going to open pandora’s box and let all the kink out, and explore how you can make BDSM work for you.


First things first, consent is extremely important in any relationship, regardless of the type of sex life you’d like to have. While some people worry conversation around consent might kill the mood, it can actually be very erotic. Sexual and romantic preferences often change over time – and can even fluctuate with our hormones – so it’s good to regularly check in with your sexual partners (and yourself).

BDSM encourages regular, open dialogue around sexual preferences, creating a safe container for communicating. Plus, this practice enhances intimacy and increases sexual satisfaction. Have you ever wished your partner let you have more time on top? Maybe have sex in your car, or try a butt plug? Well communication is often lubrication, so get talking before you get down! If your partner is curious about something that you aren’t interested in, it’s perfectly fine to tell them so. Regardless of kink, boundaries are an extremely important part of any healthy relationship.

For the kink curious: try writing down a list of your sexual preferences, desires, and boundaries. Then, rank them from 1-5 – 1 being ‘curious to try’ and 5 being ‘want everyday!’ Have your partner do the same, and see how you match up. Is there something new you’ve both been wanting to try? Dip your toes in together. Try lighting a few candles to set the mood, and surprise your partner by dripping some DONA massage candle all over them!

If you’re not that interested in incorporating BDSM in your relationship, even just showing your partner how they could best pleasure you is a wonderful gift to you both. It’s completely fine if your preferences and desires change day to day, just keep communicating them to your partner.


One of the main challenges many couples face is meeting or missing each others expectations. With BDSM, there are no more hidden meanings, confusing glances, and subtle hints. The expectations are clearly laid out.

Once each person has made their list of desires, preferences, and boundaries, they can compare them together, and look for the compatibilities. Once you can communicate in a clear and loving way about what you’d like out of your sexual relationship, you can work on what would be reasonable expectations for each other.

For the lovely vanilla readers, try talking openly with your partner about your sexual expectations, and see where you may have been missing some puzzle pieces. For the more sexually adventurous readers, why not try making a BDSM contract together? You can make a formal statement of your expectations from your partner, and even sign it Master/slave, or Owner/pet, or any other identifier you can dream up.

If you’re anything like me, you might not even get to the end before you’re jumping into bed! If you’re curious about Bondage, but not sure where to start, try the Under The Bed Restraint System from Sportsheets to experiment with some restriction play, without needing your boy scouts knot badge!


Now that you have done all your theoretical work, it’s time to get into the delicious hands-on portion of your BDSM education. Spend some time tonight exploring each others fantasies and desires.

Continual sexual exploration within a relationship can keep the flame of passion burning for many years to come (or cum), and having a safe place to explore your sexual desires, regardless of how kinky they are, is a beautiful experience. Try blindfolding your partner and let your hands roam wildly.


One of the most important, and sadly often overlooked aspects of BDSM, is aftercare. Aftercare is the process of soothing, nurturing, and loving your partner after an intimate session. This should be specific to the individuals involved, and may involve stroking and cuddling, snacks and fuzzy blankets, and conversation to process the experience.

Even if you’re not unchaining your lover from the wall and putting your whips away, having the opportunity to debrief after a sexual encounter can increase intimacy and raise oxytocin, the “love and bonding” hormone. For both vanilla and kinky readers, devote some extra time to your sexual aftercare this week. You can thank me later.

* * *

The principles of BDSM aim to keep sexual encounters safe, sane, and consensual, but they can also deeply enrich any sexual relationship, regardless of how much kink your actually incorporate into your sex life. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter how kinky or not your sex life is, as long as you are loving it!



Close-up of sexy breasts in bra. Woman's breasts or big natural boobs in lingerie. Plastic surgery

Overcoming 4 Common Fears

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“Fear is the mind-killer.”

It’s one of my favorite quotes in the world, from Dune (and its author, Frank Herbert). Not only is it artful – it’s accurate. Fear does kill off part of our mind, temporarily: when we’re scared, the outer layer of our brain shuts down. And it, the prefrontal cortex, is responsible for logic and reason. So when it goes offline, what we’ve got left is the emotional center: aka, freakout mode. 

As you and I both know, being emotional is human…but, it’s not always the best state to make a decision. 

That’s why sex fears are so common, because sex demands vulnerability – and for a lot of us, that’s scary. But sex fears (and freakouts) can be healed, especially as we release any old, shameful programming we got about sex when we were younger. I talked about these fears on my podcast recently, but here are 4 of the most common ones – plus, how you can heal them. 

Fear of rejection 

At a bar, on an app, or simply initiating sex with your partner 

Oh, what a fun fear this is: you put yourself out there, you show interest in someone…only to be met with a “no thank you.” (Or worse.) 

The interesting thing about rejection, sexual or otherwise, is that it’s a universal human experience. And yet, it can feel so personal, like there’s something wrong about you specifically: not cute enough, not sexy enough, not whatever enough to get this person’s attention…whether it’s a stranger, or your own partner.

Try: Remembering it’s probably not personal

At the end of the day, none of us are entitled to anyone’s attention. But when our interest isn’t reciprocated, it’s usually not personal. That person you tried to talk to at a bar, or on an app? Maybe they declined because they’re not in the headspace to engage right now. Or, maybe they declined because there wasn’t a spark. That’s OK! There will be a spark with someone. And when it’s your partner, maybe they turned down sex because they’re tired, stressed out, or just not feeling sexy. When we remember it’s not personal, it’s easier to have a conversation with our partner, and check in with them on how they’re doing more generally. Often, this compassion creates the easy, free space required for desire to flow. 

Fear of body judgment 

That they won’t like your body or they will be grossed out by your period

It’s one of the most common fears I hear about, as a sex educator. 

“What if I’m on my period, and it grosses out my partner?” Or: “what if my partner sees my small penis, and decides they’d rather not have sex?” Or: “what if my partner sees me naked, and doesn’t like what they see?”

These fears tend to lessen their grip, once we realize they were programmed into us by other people (advertising, porn, childhood experiences, etc.). Period sex? Put down a towel. Penis size? Penetration by a penis isn’t the thing that helps vulva owners orgasm anyway. (And if you’re doing anal play, there are a wide variety of toys out there.) Getting naked for the first time? Your partner has probably already thought about it – and tbh, they’re probably really excited. 

Try: Finding role models

Social media can have all KINDS of downsides, but one of the really great benefits is that it allows you to do an end-run around mainstream media. You know, the magazines, TV shows, movies or even porn that told you for years what an attractive body looked like, or how gross periods were, etc. etc. 

Here’s a secret: none of that is true. It’s just a matter of opinion.

So take out any social media content that inflames those insecurities, and sub in role models (or other uplifting content) that showcase your concerns in a positive, sexy light. By giving your brain new inputs around desire, attractiveness, and so on, we can shed any past programming that made us feel insecure – because remember, advertising works in part by exploiting insecurities. Instead, welcome in content that reminds you that your body (and its very normal functions) are already sexy.

Fear of sharing a fantasy, fetish, or turn-on with a partner 

…And they’ll be weirded out by it

This fear can usually be characterized as, “will they think I’m a freak?” Because whether it’s a certain type of porn you enjoy, a very specific fantasy, or a unique fetish, I do understand how sharing it out loud can feel scary. We’re worried that the other person will look at us with big eyes, mutter, “uh…yikes,” and back away slowly. 

Good news: they probably won’t, if you’ve taken the time to build a trusting container around your existing connection. 

Try: Talking about it out loud

Once you’ve already established trust with someone, you can say to them: “hey, we’re getting closer to each other, and honestly I really love it. I was wondering if I could share a turn-on with you, and see how you feel about it? No pressure to try it, unless you want to.”

By framing your turn-on in the context of intimacy, you’re giving your partner a compliment: “you’ve made me feel trusted and secure, so I feel comfortable opening up to you a bit more.” That’s why I recommend soothing this fear after a bit of time has passed, and by being explicit that there’s no pressure to actualize it together, unless they’re interested. 

Fear of not moving on 

…And that you’ll never get over your ex

So much of the time, an ex partner represents not only certain qualities we find attractive, but a certain period in our lives. They make us remember who we were back then, what we were discovering and experiencing, and how they helped tell that story. Cue nostalgia…and possibly, tears.

When we feel stuck, like we just can’t get over an ex no matter what, it’s definitely helpful to welcome in new potential partners (if you aren’t doing so already): people who are attractive to us NOW, people who resonate with who we are NOW, people who can help us tell a story about our life now. In the meantime, though, there is a potential cure for obsessive thoughts. 

Try: Meditation

Meditation trains our brain to align with the present moment, and become alive to what’s actually happening around us. Think of it like a muscle: most of us don’t have a lot of “muscle memory” around connecting to the present, and noticing what’s going on here and now. But through meditation, we train our brain to get itself unstuck from the past (or the future), and to become more mindful of where we are at this exact point in time. 

Sex fears can best be understood as intimacy fears, because we’re opening up in front of someone, and showing them who we are. But by being intentional with our daily habits, and improving our communication skills, we usually find that fears lessen their grip – leaving you to feel freer, more comfortable with intimacy, and way more open to nourishing sexual pleasure.