Gives a whole new meaning to ‘taking friendship to the next level.’
It’s a certainty in life that there are going to be times when something comes out of thin air and smacks you right upside the head. (Metaphorically speaking, of course.)
Maybe it’s the loss of a job, the end of a relationship, or the realization that Taylor Swift songs are really, really catchy. The point is: There are many things that will happen to you you just can’t prepare for.
Let’s go back in time, shall we?
My then-wife and I were living in a small town in Rhode Island. Being somewhat new to the area, we were still in the process of friend-making. Joe (new “husband” friend) was a fun-loving guy, the type to always be first on the dance floor at our favorite watering hole, pulling whomever was nearest to him along. He was handsome in his own way with blond hair and a muscular build.
Kim (new “wife” friend) was a babe. Blond-haired, blue-eyed babe. The type of woman you do a double -take for. We met by chance at a mutual friends party a few months back. At the time, they had been married just a year or so (give or take a few months) and were clearly still in the newlywed stage, evidenced by the way they hung all over each other.
Thinking back, I should’ve seen the red flags.
One night, standing in the middle of the dance floor, Kim spun away from Joe pulled me close (really close, nose-to-nose close) and gave my ear a little nibble. I dismissed it as alcohol-induced behavior.
Not long into our newfound friendship and many of these (red flag) moments later, Joe and Kim invited my wife and I to accompany them on an all-expense paid trip to North Carolina’s Outer Bank.
At the time, it didn’t even cross my mind that they had ulterior motives. I remember thinking, “GREAT! Who doesn’t love a vacation? Who cares that we don’t know each other that well. Life is all about adventure!” (I was clearly a young and naive lad.)
The night before our trip, the four of us went out to dinner.The drinks were flowing and the conversation turned to how lucky we all felt about becoming “insta-besties.”
But the first physical telltale sign of what was to come happened when I found myself trying to ignore the subtle footsies coming from our friend’s wife. Again, I chalked it up to booze and off we went on a big jet plane to one of the most beautiful places on the East coast.
During hotel check-in, things started to get… interesting. We were informed they had only booked one room.
“Oops,” Joe said. “It must have been a mix-up.”
Unfortunately, my swingers radar hadn’t kicked in and it didn’t even occur to me that this was premeditated. As soon as we found ourselves all getting settled in, we put our swimsuits on and headed poolside to soak in some rays and sip a few mojitos.
That night, we hit the bars pretty hard. Everyone was pretty drunk and we might’ve gotten a bit touchy with one another, but some cross-flirtation is normal between couple-friends, right? We’re human.
The following night, Kim instructed Joe to take me out for a “few” drinks. Looking back, clearly, she was itching to spend some alone time with my wife.
A little bro time never hurts so we headed off into the more populated strip of bars and proceeded to get sh*tfaced.
Joe slammed back a shot and blurted out, “Do you want to see a picture?” His phone slid across the table and I found myself staring at a rather naked woman in (ahem) a somewhat compromising position.
“Is that your wife?” I asked.
He took the phone back and proceeded to tell me there was more where that came from, and that his wife thought I was really hot. The rules of man code immediately went racing through my drunken head.
How do I respond to this? Is he crossing a line with me? Did I just cross a line with him seeing this picture?
To be honest, my curiosity was drunkenly piqued. So, I asked him what he was getting at. He continued to press that his wife was into me and that he thought my wife was very beautiful.
Then he laid it all out, explaining that the reason they asked us to come on vacation was to sleep with us.
I quickly told him I needed a drink and went to the men’s room to call my wife. Apparently, the hangover from the night before had stopped her from drinking much at the hotel, and it seemed like Kim didn’t make her aware of the situation.
She heard my frantic tone and asked if I was OK. In that moment, I weighed telling her Joe’s true intentions against letting this play out; we still had another two days to go on the trip. Things could get all sorts of weird.
“I’m fine honey. Yep, be home in a bit.”
I took a moment to stare into the bathroom mirror and go over my options.
I could either take this gentleman up on his offer and dive headfirst into the swinger’s world (with my wife’s approval, of course) or I could excuse myself politely and leave the situation in a way that didn’t cause a rift.
Option three lurked as well: Grab my lady, head to the airport, and get out of dodge.
In my drunken state I shook my head and said, “Oh, I didn’t realize that you guys were swingers. I’m flattered by the offer, but my wife and I aren’t into that.”
I saw his face drop. Did the two of us give off the wrong signals? I’m a flirt, yes, but I don’t think I give off the aura of Swinger For Hire.
The rest of that night went downhill very quickly, as did the rest of the trip. He proceeded to order shot after shot and get blackout drunk, leaving me to carry a guy who had at least 50 pounds on me back to the hotel room. Once there, he worshipped the porcelain throne whilst simultaneously explaining to his girlfriend (loudly) that he’d failed to convince me.
We ended up sticking it out, and a day and half later we all flew back. We didn’t see much of each other after that.
Honestly, I liked them both and wish things had gone differently, but there are a few lessons I hope they learned from this trip.
- If you’re going to ask a couple on a swinger’s vacation, please find out if they’re into it before hand.
- Asking to sleep with another man’s wife at any point just isn’t a good idea.
But what do I know? Maybe it’s worked for them before. I’ll never judge a book by its cover again, that’s for sure.