Why Swingers Have Lower Divorce Rates Than Monogamous Couples

Research suggests monogamy might not be worth it.

According to Dr. Michelle Golland, in the United States “mate swapping” or “swinging,” meaning to engage in sexual activities with the people who belong to outside of your marriage, is mainly seen as deviant or strange. But does it match with the facts? It is decades back during the 1960s when sexual experimentation and free love came to the forefront. During the 1970s, it transformed as “key parties.”

Before going any further, it is important to define swinging. Swinging is a form of an open relationship, in which partners remain committed and engaged in sexual activities, even with the other partners at the same time. They mainly regard their relations as a recreational practice or a social activity. It has added importance to their curiosity or to their conventional sex lives.

Some of the swingers, who remain engaged in casual sex, are often found to be more deliberative and frank, and therefore, more honest than those monogamous couples who indulge in infidelity. Many swingers feel that swinging is a healthy practice that actually strengthens their swinging-relationships.

According to some recent web articles, swingers are mentally healthier than their monogamous peers. The subtitle of the same article says that those men and women who swing perhaps possess some important mental health strengths.

Swingers Refrain From Divorces

Is there a reason why polyamorous couples divorce less? Well, the reasons swingers don’t file for divorces in comparison to their monogamous peers are the traits which determine happiness and flexibility in their mental health. They have an abstract thinking capacity in addition to creativity and adaptability to changing circumstances. The sex lives of the swingers are undoubtedly more flexible if compared with the monogamous couples, in terms of sex.

According to some renowned therapists specializing in both swingers and monogamous couples’ relationship issues, swingers do not fear, so they do not cheat. Obviously, the other group (i.e., monogamous couples) fear, so they cheat on their spouses.

Regarding fear, monogamous couples are victims of the toxic jealousy trap. This trap entails that any particular gesture or behavior may lead to a full-fledged affair, resulting into complete breakage of relationships.

Statistical Revelations Of Divorces Among Monogamous Couples

According to some statistical data, those that assume that people who blame others are the ones who actually initiate the divorce, giving their side a “good” reason. If the statistics are studied among the monogamous couples the figures are as follows:

  • Wives of monogamous marriages initiate 70 percent of divorce and blame their partners 40 percent of the time, while husbands of monogamous marriages initiate 30 percent of divorce and blame their partners for 21 percent of the same faults.
  • In another finding, 79 percent males of monogamous marriages initiated divorce is unprovoked; while the figures are 60 percent for the females (of the same type of marriages) to have initiated divorce to be found to be unprovoked.
  • The other statistical findings show that 23 percent of divorces are the reasons for the males’ “trading-up” and 28 percent of divorces are for the males’ “screwing-up” that ultimately results in 51 percent of divorces among monogamous marriages.
  • Another statistical study reveals the fact that 42 percent of divorces are because of “trading-up” by the females of monogamous marriages; while the figures of divorces due to “screwing-up” by the females of monogamous marriages are 7 percent, ending up with the total of 49 percent of divorces being due to women.

Hence, it is revealed that men are much more likely to “screw-up” and women are much more likely to “trade-up.” Therefore, both men and women are seemingly responsible for about half of divorces in the monogamous category, so the two cancel each other out.

The Fear Psychosis Of Monogamous Couples

Additional reasons why polyamorous couples divorce less has to do with fear in monogamous relationships. The couples in this category also fear of exhausting their best days of sexual excitements by being settled down and remaining bonded in a marriage, which may lead to a frustrating divorce.

The Fearlessness Of Swinging Couples

The couples in this category are often found to be deeply in love and remain emotionally connected. They hardly value sex in the same line as their monogamous peers do.

Reasons For Increased Divorces Among Monogamous Couples

In the case of the nitty-gritty in real life, the dividing line is drawn with the “pen” of sex. One relationship therapist found that monogamous couples are more judgmental towards sex, as it always and also predominantly pervades monogamists.

However, the swinging couples mostly espouse the attitude of “live-and-let-live.” Of course, many people will not generally support this attitude because different people have different sexual emotions and needs.

In 2009, the most popular swingers website SwingLifeStyle.com agreed that subjective scientific research has been conducted in the United States since the late 1960s. A study, based on an Internet questionnaire addressed to visitors of the swingers website, found swingers are happier in their relationships than the norm.

The swingers website concluded that some believe sexual attraction is part of human nature and should be openly enjoyed by a committed or married couple. Some swingers say divorce in the U.S. and lack of quality of sex and spousal infidelity are significant factors in divorce.

Another study showed that for non-swingers, 37 percent of husbands and 29 percent of wives admit to at least one extramarital affair, and divorce rates for first marriages approached 60 percent.

While polyamory isn’t for anyone, there’s no question that for those who engage in swinging, their happiness and relationship success are much higher.

‘MY NAUGHTY LITTLE SECRET’

Swinger reveals what having sex with strangers is REALLY like

The unidentified man got into the swing of things after he and his past girlfriend had a threesome

By Sarah Barns

A SWINGER has revealed what having sex with strangers is really like.

The unnamed man started swinging in his twenties after a threesome with his girlfriend.

He told Nine Honey that he loves the non-monogamous behaviour because it means he can “play” with people who don’t have hang-ups about sex.

He revealed he even thinks about the raunchy trysts while his mates chat about their weekend plans and children’s sporting events.

“It’s my own naughty little secret that I can replay over and over in my mind,” he said.

He believes swinging is now a key part of his life, and that traditional marriage is not for him.

He got into the swing of things after he and his past girlfriend had a threesome.

They began attending erotic parties where they would meet other couples and take them back to their hotel room.

They then graduated to swinger’s clubs where they would meet 20 to 50 other couples who wanted to “play”.

He said: “One New Year’s Eve I remember seeing about 100 people naked and spread across three floors of a terrace house. It didn’t matter where you looked.”

The man says swinging has took him a lot about relationships.

He claims sex and love are two completely different things, and you can have sex with someone while still being in love with someone else.

“The number of affairs that go on is mind boggling. If you think that your partner is never attracted to or looks at another person you’re kidding yourself,” he said.

He claims swinging is “promiscuity with permission”.

The anonymous man said that some of the strongest relationships he has seen are those that are a part of this lifestyle because people in the community are happy when they see their partner enjoying sex with another person.

Meanwhile, here’s a peek inside the ultra-sexy New York swingers party that is only open to ‘hot millennials with a social media presence’.

And, a couple insist romping with other couples and going to sex parties are the keys to their happiness — and stops him cheating.

The new place to hook up in England

Ed Sheeran Battles Swingers On His Lawn

Singer’s ‘no prude’ but desperate for his security ‘to nip this in the bud.’

By Aaron Tinney
Ed Sheeran put his security detail on high alert after he discovered his idyllic sprawling country estate has become a magnet for sex-mad exhibitionists, RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned.

The “Give Me Love” singer, who is worth $110 million, lives in a palatial pad nestled deep in the heart of the English countryside with his childhood sweetheart, Cherry Seaborn.

However, the 27-year-old chart-topper’s serious relationship hasn’t stopped grandstanders wanting to get their kicks on his land in the ancient English village of Dennington, population 578.

Some randy revelers have been busy filling X-rated web forums with plans to meet and have sex on the hit maker’s property, while others brag about their past exploits.

“Anyone up for meets with me and my sexy partner in Dennington? We are into risky, exhibitionist stuff — the edgier the better,” one couple posted on a members-only swingers’ site.

Another person boasted that they “sneaked into Ed Sheeran’s garden the other week and did it on his lawn.”

“Bet that would have made him blush,” joked the trespasser. “The wife was hoping he’d come and join in.”

Another shamelessOpens a New Window. exhibitionist bragged on the same swingers’ forum, where couples arrange to meet for group sex sessions, that she flashed her boobs at Sheeran and wanted “some fun in his undergrowth.”

So what does Sheeran think of all the action going on just outside his door?

“Ed is no prude but his security guys have got to nip this in the bud,” a source told Radar. “It is his backyard, and not somewhere where people can just get their sexual kicks.”

Rules, Boundaries, Making This Up As We Go

Ms. Scarlet

At heart, I’d like to be a relationship anarchist but I’ve gone along with my partners (yes plural) who wanted rules and because it wasn’t worth fighting over. And frankly, I barely have time for what I’ve got on my plate right now. My to-do list is two pages and that is just for this week so I’m procrastinating by blogging.

Failing at RA, for the past four years I’ve pretty much had a non-hierarchal quad of 3 primaries. Well, good things often end. It was spotty if we’d see the Foxes again but it appears we are going to keep on but now as what is clearly hierarchal poly. There are cons to the change since I don’t like hierarchy. But there are pros to it as well such as having less obligations as well as freeing up some of the guilt over an impending relocation out west.

As part of our processing on this, I came up with a list of where I put things as to what is poly and what is for my swinger relationships. Originally we thought this would result in a bunch of new rules, but we are making this up as we go since it seems impossible to go from primary back to swinger level.

Poly Swinger
Willing to discuss feelings of jealousy of feeling threated. No jealousy or feeling threatened. Or if you do, keep that drama to yourself if about swingers or take it home if it is about your spouse.
Lots of saying I love you. No saying “I love you”. Duh.
Talk about everything. No talking about or judging habits* onMoney

Eating

Drinking

Weight

Health

Cleaning

Farts/Poop

Being negative about yourself

Excessive work talk

*Feel free to gossip about with others

Even at a distance update on life and weekly plans Generally, out of sight out of mind. Maybe text/sext if bored.
Typical presents: birthday, Valentine’s day, anniversary, Christmas No presents. Maybe a bottle of booze at birthday swing party.
Negotiate how holidays are spent and try to be together or know when to celebrate. Celebrate swinger holidays of Mardi Gras and Halloween at clubs.
Ok to just hang out or even do necessary life tasks like groceries or yardwork. Fun activities hopefully ending in sex.
Understand if things come up like getting sick or work. No canceling. That’s just rude.
Profiles may be individual or even more complicated if on swinger sites and poly. Profiles are for couples only.
Anyone may get influence and input if other people seem shady. Only your spouse gets veto power.
Meet at clubs to go together to find other new people to swing with. Meet at clubs to have sex with each other.
Share expenses and even Netflix and phone family plan. Pay for meals if you are a super-hot unicorn or I’m hosting at my house. Otherwise separate checks.
Affectionate anytime and place. No handholding.
Ok to call girl/boyfriend, lover, pet names. Ok to call FWB if I see you repeatedly. Otherwise, you are lucky if I know your name.
See as often as possible. No expectations. See when there is time. Maybe once or twice a month.
Have keys to your place. Maybe even your passwords. Have condoms with you.
Sleep together, shower together, all kinds of crazy adventures together. Have sex together. Probably have conversations together.

 

 

Have A Sexy Adventure: 4 Reasons You Should Attend A Swinger Club

Mike Hatcher

Expert

It’s time for a night out on the town, but what one you never thought of before!

Swinger clubs are fun and sexy spots that are becoming more and more popular everyday. Each and every year, more swinger clubs are opening worldwide. Here’s some of the reasons they have become the talk of the town.

Swinger Clubs Build Stronger Relationships

Real world results prove it. When it comes time to spice up a relationship in an open and honest way, where everyone has more fun, a great swinger club is impossible to beat. Fantasies get fulfilled in a way where communication is enhanced and both partners are brought closer together.  And it’s all while having the time of their lives!

Swinger Clubs are Far Beyond Fun

The whole atmosphere of a good swingers club is about having maximum amounts of fun. There’s nothing that matches them for a good night out for many couples. Talk about a true adventure in all the best ways. Sometimes all the usual social events just get boring and dull. That’s not so with swinger clubs where there’s always something new for a pleasant surprise every time you attend.

Swinger Clubs are Safe and Secure

Most swingers clubs put a big emphasis on safety. This means a night out can be enjoyed without any fear or risk of danger, due to the club investing in its trained security presence to make sure nothing gets out of hand. It’s never a bad idea to double check these things at a resource like swinglifestyle.com, who have the latest lists of clubs and information.

How do you pick the right club for you?

Different swinger clubs have different feels and sometimes nights that focus on the fetish scene too. You really have a whole open menu when it comes to exploring the things that add excitement and spice to your sex life. Where and when you choose to go is up to you and your partner and the information is available to you.

All this knowledge can be worth its weight in gold. Who knows, if you time it right and go out soon you may be able to go to one of your favorite themed parties.

Check out the website Swinglifestyle.com in the swinger club section for all the latest lists of clubs broken down by location, news and even tips on how to make the most out of your swinger experiences.

The Art of Receiving a Sexy Photo

BY 

There’s no wrong way to receive a sexy photo, right?

Unfortunately, that is incorrect. There’s much talk about what rules you need to follow when sending sexy pics–Consent! Consent! Consent!–but there are also important aspects to keep in mind when someone sends you some sexy snaps.

Before I say anything else, I will mention the thing that shouldn’t need to be said: keep all sexy photos someone sends you completely private unless they give you explicit permission to share them. Yes. Even if you break up and you’re mad at them. Revenge porn is never okay.

Moving on.

Sending someone sexy pics is an extremely vulnerable act, even for an exhibitionist slut. When you send sexy photos you want the people on the receiving end of said pics to appreciate them in a way that leaves you feeling seen, sexy, and filled with warm feelings. You want your sexy self and your outfit or clever composition to be enthusiastically received and commented upon.

The following are some guidelines to help your sender feel good and want to continue to send you sexy photos.

Do: Be Enthusiastic! Even if you’ve seen their naked bod hundreds of times, act like it’s the first time they’ve sent you a sexy pic. Obviously, you don’t want to be ridiculous about it, but this is a case where you want to err on the side of more is more. Some examples of comments: “That’s so fucking hot!” “Wow! Gorgeous!” “You have such an amazing ass!” “Ded!

Don’t: Comment on things in the pic unrelated to the sexy person in the scene until AFTER you’ve raved about what a hottie your kind photo sender is. Sending a photo and receiving a comment like, “I love the colour of those curtains” as the only comment is extremely demoralizing and your photo friend might think twice about sending you something in the future.

If the pic was taken in an unexpected place you can comment on that piece once they know how much you appreciate using words you know resonate for them. “Wow! So sexy. And I can’t believe how naughty you are sending me upskirt pics from the public library!

Do: Comment on what you might like to do to the person based on the photos. Someone sends you a photo where they’re standing and their pussy looks particularly inviting? “I’d love to get on my knees right now and lick you until your legs give out.

Don’t: Make sexual comments like this on the public (Twitter/Instagram etc.) sexy pics of strangers/acquaintances. You don’t get to insert yourself into their sexual expression unless explicitly invited to do so. It’s creepy. Having strangers tell me they want me to peg them based on my strap-on pics leads to immediate blocking of their accounts. It’s okay with sexy friends you have an established intimate relationship with, but unfortunately, that can embolden creeps to think it’s okay to do the same. The tips in this article are for pics sent directly to you.

Do: Respond enthusiastically when someone asks if you’d like them to send you a photo. The person sending wants to know that you’re consenting in that specific moment and also wants to hear your desire for them. Respond as if you want nothing more in the world that moment. “Oooh! Yes, please!” “Fuck yes!”

Don’t: Reply to a pic offer with telling them they’ve got blanket consent to send anytime. While it’s good to know that you’re always open, your sender wants your enthusiasm in that specific moment, not your “Whatevs.” If you want to make a comment that alludes to blanket consent but also help them feel like you’re enthusiastic: “If I ever say no, assume I’ve been kidnapped and I’m signaling for help.” “Always!” Your sexy person does not want to hear, “I’ve said I’m always cool with it.

Do: Tell the sender if it’s not a good time/day/location etc. to receive pics. Be honest and show enthusiasm for a later time. “I’m at my parents’ place but I’ll let you know when it’s all clear. I can’t wait to see!” “I’m having a shit day at work and I know I won’t be able to appreciate it properly. Can you ask again tomorrow?” The slight rejection might sting but much less than if you say yes then give half-hearted or distracted response.

Don’t: Say yes when someone asks you if you want a photo unless you’re really feeling it. It feels terrible as a sender to get a meh response because someone doesn’t say no when they’re not into it or is too distracted in that moment.

Sending pics to partner(s) is one of the most fun aspects of having a photo studio in our pockets at any given moment. Putting a little extra effort into how you react to the photos your sexy people send you will ensure that they feel good about their choice to trust you with those vulnerable pics and will want to continue to fill your inbox with hotness.

We’ve been happily married for 29 years… but are swingers

Scarlet, 53, has been happily married to her husband Jack for 29 years. But once their children moved out of home, they decided to spice things up…

As told to Sonja Kowanjko
Ever since I met my husband Jack when I was 21, he was the love of my life.

Early on we developed a sales and marketing business together and we had an amazing marriage, friendship, working relationship and overall bond.

We were blessed with two wonderful children and over the years we enjoyed lots of travel, kept active together with gym workouts, woodland walks, and all sorts of fun activities.

We also always ensured to make time for each other with regular date nights, and placed a lot of emphasis on our sex life. We both agreed it was an extremely important part of our relationship.

When our children became adults and moved out of home, we found ourselves with a lot more time on our hands.

Suddenly the house was empty for the first time in over 20 years, and we started focussing more on our social life, hosting and attending many dinner parties.

Although it was great to catch up with our old friends, we started becoming a bit bored with the same, mundane routines.

The dinner parties were often filled with conversations about retirement, superannuation, aches, pains and even death!

What I learned from a night in a swingers club

Both very young at heart, Jack and I just felt life still had so much more to offer.

So one evening after yet another dinner event, Jack had a rather surprising suggestion.

“How would you feel about visiting a swingers’ club?” he asked.

At first I was absolutely horrified. Was he not attracted to me anymore? Was I no longer enough?

Worst still, had he fallen out of love with me?

But when he explained he loved me more than ever, and it would just be a new, fun thing we could try (and didn’t actually have to physically do anything with anyone else), I started thinking about it in a different light.

I wondered whether human beings were actually designed to be monogamous.

After all, how many people could honestly say they’d never fantasised about having sex with someone other than their partner?

And what about those who’d gone that step further and been unfaithful – with usually disastrous consequences?

Warming up to the idea, I started thinking that living out my fantasies with Jack could actually be a wonderful experience.

So soon after, we took the plunge!

One evening I put on a sexy black dress, with matching killer heels, and we made our way to a swingers’ club.

Upon entering, my first impression was it looked just like any other nightclub.

But the further we explored, the more we discovered…

There was a massage table, three bedrooms, a spa – and even a dungeon!

Initially, we’d just planned to be there as observers, to soak up the atmosphere and enjoy each other’s company.

But throughout the night, our curiosity grew…

Before I knew it I ended up on a massage table, naked, receiving a gloriously erotic massage from three men – one of which was my husband!

From that moment, we both became hooked.

We loved the excitement, thrill, and being able to live out our fantasies.

We went back to the same swingers’ club every other Saturday for several months.

Then, we decided to look into the lifestyle further.

We explored websites like Adult Matchmaker to find private parties, and started attending them quite regularly.

As we built up some more courage, we began arranging to meet couples – usually at a neutral bar for a drink – to see if we clicked.

And if we did, things would progress from there!

Throughout our first year of swinging we had a long list of rules – including things like not kissing other people, not having full sex with others, and always being able to be in reach of one another. But, as we evolved, many of the rules were discussed and discarded.

We became a lot more free and liberated, and as strange as it may sound swinging really started to enhance our marriage – and bring us closer.

There was nothing we couldn’t discuss with one another, and our once taboo fantasies were now part of our real lives.

Both in it together, we were able to do all these exciting things without secrecy or guilt.

Being swingers also helped to keep us young, and certainly put a spring in our step

Today, seven years on from first stepping into that swingers’ club, it’s still a huge part of our lifestyle.

Now, we don’t really have any rules as such and more or less anything goes as long as we’re both happy, comfortable and agree.

We trust each other, enjoy our lifestyle, and we’ve even been on a couple of very thrilling swingers’ cruises.

But we’ve always kept this part of our lives to ourselves – having our own little secret is part of the thrill!

Throughout our swinging journey I kept a diary about our experiences, which I’ve now released as an eBook Diary of a Swinger. I wanted to share everything from the fear of the unknown I felt in the beginning, to the way we’ve evolved sexually, personally, and as a couple. And yes, there’s some quite raunchy scenes to read about, too!

Living out your fantasies with the person you love is an amazing experience.

My advice to couples who are considering swinging is to ensure you first have a rock-solid relationship. Talk everything over beforehand, set some boundaries that you’re both comfortable with, and make sure you stick to them. And importantly – enjoy it, relax and have fun!

Read why a sexologist says happy people are horny people. Plus meet the woman who had sex every day for a year.

Know someone who would find this interesting? Share this article with them!

NSFW: You Should Really Go to a Sex Resort

“You know in Jamaica there’s only sex, sea and sun and I can give you all three,” my driver asserted with a wink as I, already soggy from the Jamaican humidity, boarded his bus en route to Hedonism II, one of the world’s leading sex resorts. I had arrived.

Mona Lisa with her breasts exposed is a confronting image at the best of times, but to walk into a pillared, open-air resort foyer with the reimagined Leonardo Da Vinci classic proudly occupying the space overhead certainly sets the tone for the experience in which you’re about to partake. Hedonism II, a 40+ year-old sex resort that’s a hit with guests and local gripe doesn’t go easy on prudes. Even the most sexually-advanced among us might be shocked by the array of penises flapping in the wind as they waddle their way to the nude beach. Hedonism II promised an awakening, and an awakening I was delivered.

Situated in tourist hotspot, Jamaica’s Negril, the resort is more appropriately described as an estate. The sprawling property boasts not only a private beach, but the amenities of a small, sexy village. They include — but are not limited to — a full-blown dance club, an open theatre/dining room, piano bar, nude pool/hot tub (with a built-in bar), a slutty costume shop, as well as all of that you would expect of luxury accommodation. Oh, and a full 50 Shades-style “playroom,” where you can be whipped, chained and plugged at your leisure. It’s worth mentioning the room comes complete with a ceiling and full-wall mirror and a sex-friendly shower, all of which make the prospect of “taking a night off” love-making feel like a cop-out because well, why go to the cinema only to not see a movie?

But what is a sex resort, and what makes it any different from a resort where you inevitably will have sex? A few small details, the first of which includes the optional, and compulsory, nudity. Half the resort allows for you to walk around clothed if you wish (though you may receive raise eyebrows in response), while the other half requires nudity at all times. When entering this area you are also asked to leave your phone behind; nonetheless, I did find my own foray into de-robing recorded from behind someone’s slightly lifted curtain. You should expect to witness sex acts, which are not encouraged, but happen frequently, as we learned our first night in the nude pool (read: a full lineup of men seated on the edge of the pool and enjoying fellatio). At 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, my boyfriend and I decided to play a game of pick-up, only to be hyper-conscious of how loud the basketball was bouncing while a trio were engaging in the early stages of a threesome. Needless to say, it became difficult to concentrate on the hoop.

If you’re hoping to soak in the best of Jamaica, Hedonism II isn’t for you. It’s for the sexual-adventurer, the relationship-rekindler and the escapist. For those who trudge through nine-to-fives, living for opportunities to let their freak flag fly, it’s the ultimate refuge. There are costume parties, foam parties, and dance parties. According to Jermaine, our mutually boisterous and fastidious tour guide, guests will come for months at a time, Hedonism II serving as their vacation destination and second-home. It’s easy to see why — the atmosphere is so impressively non-judgmental that it will bring out the hedonist in even the most conservative.

Which could quite honestly not have been more welcome. While I, a New Zealand-native living in liberal New York, have never felt more innocent than I did in my time spent at the resort, Hedonism II truly worked wonders on my ebbing and fluctuating self-esteem. After the initial shock, nudity was surprisingly easy to accustom to, and the ease and comfort with which women and men of all shapes and sizes strutted in at dinnertime in tiny thongs, or walked to the pool in the morning wearing nothing but sunscreen, was remarkably refreshing. I stopped worrying about my breasts’ position on my chest, the shape of my stomach, the size of my butt. If I, a body positivity-preaching 20-something couldn’t be content in my body, then how is the bellying middle-aged woman gearing herself up to go shirtless supposed to feel? Good sex — and in a larger sense, any venture — is about comfort and confidence, and we shouldn’t be settling for anything less.

So my driver was wrong. Jamaica isn’t all sun, sea and sex, but Hedonism II certainly is.

Christian Swingers Explain How They Balance God and Lots of Partners

“People have the right to judge, but that’s them, that’s not God.”

This article originally appeared on VICE Australia.

In many Christian traditions across many cultures, sex outside of marriage is frowned upon, if not strictly off-limits. But being religious doesn’t mean you can’t be a freak in the sheets. Online groups and forums provide many sexually adventurous churchgoers with a virtual community, resources, and support. This is especially the case for those into “the lifestyle”—that is, swinging and wife-swapping.

One couple, who go by Mr. and Mrs. Jones to protect their privacy, are practicing Christians who have been married for 33 years but who sometimes have sex with other couples. As hosts of the podcast We Gotta Thing, they dispense advice on how to reconcile the conflicting ideologies of their religion and their desire for sexual freedom outside marriage.

VICE asked them about the balance between religion and kink, judge-y fellow churchgoers, and telling their kids about their choices.

VICE: Hi guys. First of all, how did you meet?
Mrs. Jones: We worked in two different departments at a bank. I was a bank teller, I was still in college, and my bank was robbed one Saturday. Mr. Jones was one of the people they brought in to figure out how much money was stolen after the police left.

And how did you first learn about swinging and wife-swapping?
Mrs. Jones: We kind of stumbled into it. We had booked a vacation at a resort in Mexico called Desire Resorts, which we found because we were looking for a clothing-optional resort. It was pretty upscale. We just wanted kind of a sexy environment. So we booked it, and as we started doing research on the resort. Then I found a forum about it and they were talking about it being “lifestyle friendly,” and I didn’t know what the word “lifestyle” meant.

Then we started researching and realized swingers were going to be there. We had to decide, do we cancel the vacation, or do we not let it bother us? The resort was very clear about you not having to be a swinger to go there. So we decided that we could handle that and just observe, and it would be good entertainment. Once we got there we just found the most interesting, non-pushy people. Nobody pushed themselves on us and they were all really genuine. That was the beginning of our journey.

Did one of you propose the idea of swinging first, or was it a mutual interest?
Mrs. Jones: At first we were like no, no no… but then Mr. Jones especially started doing more research, and then I think he found a podcast—one of the original lifestyle podcasts. He listened and was like, “I want you to listen to this.” At first it was just good entertainment, a lot of “what-ifs.” But then we started having conversations like: “Well, do you find this intriguing?” And that was fun and sexy because it really sparks your imagination.

Do you have any rules or boundaries in place regarding your relationships with other couples or individuals?
Mrs. Jones: Rules are foundational to our relationship, so those just don’t get broken, period. For example, one rule is that we always use condoms. We have a rule where either one of us has veto power. Also, Mr. Jones and I always play in the same room. We don’t date separately.

Boundaries [depend on] where we’re at in the moment; they can kind of get pushed if we want to grow and experience new things. A boundary is something we agree on for that particular event, or that particular date, or whatever it is we’re doing.

Mr. Jones: There are many “play-styles” for swinging and partner-swapping: voyeurism (watching), exhibitionism (being watched), girl-girl, soft-swap (everything but penetrative sex) and full-swap (inclusive of penetrative sex). We’re a full-swap “situational” couple, which means we’re open to any play style, all the way up to and including full-swap, depending on the situation.

That means we might do certain things with one couple, but maybe not with another couple. (Some couples say they are “full swap only” or “soft swap only,” so they wouldn’t be interested in playing with people who have other play-styles.) We go with whatever play-style is most comfortable for all four people, or both couples, in the moment. We derive our enjoyment from the four-way connection that occurs.

Are you “out” as swingers to family and friends?
Mrs. Jones: We were outed in our community, and it was actually a really horrible experience. It happened about a year ago. We were very active in our church, and somebody in our church found out and went to the pastor, and the pastor called us in for a meeting. We were thrown out of our church. People were very judgmental—they wouldn’t listen. I think they were just shocked. Because of that we had to tell our immediate friends and family.

Mr. Jones: When we were first outed, we had a choice to make: we could either pull our website down and pretend like it didn’t happen and go back to our regular lives, or we could embrace it and say, “This is who we are now.” The lifestyle was so important to us, and the friends we had made were such real friendships, that we decided to stay in it.

Because we decided to stay in, we had to tell some close family and close friends. But they’ve been really accepting and understanding. We also told our daughter, and it went surprisingly well. She sees how strong our relationship is, and she’s very supportive of how we live our lives.

How do you reconcile your faith and sexual interests?
Mrs. Jones: As individuals you have to make peace with the decisions you make in your life. I think we’ve both reconciled our faith with the lifestyle. One thing that we’ve learned after going through what we went through with our church, is that there’s a definite difference between religion and faith. Religion is the human church, and it’s run by humans, and all humans are imperfect. People have the right to judge, but that’s them, that’s not God.

Mr. Jones: Everyone that listens to [our podcast] knows that we’re Christian, and we’ve had about eight or ten pastors and clergy actually reach out to us who are also in the lifestyle, supporting us from the faith side. One of them was helping us put together an informational course on Christianity and how it fits with swinging. We want to give a voice to those who feel like they can’t come out, to share information for others who are struggling to reconcile their Christian faith with their interest in swinging. We want them to know there are actually professionals, counselors, and clergy interested in the same thing.

Do either of you ever experience jealousy?
Mr. Jones: We’d been married 29 years when we first got into this, and after we had our first experience with a couple, I started feeling strange. I’m really not a jealous person, so I wasn’t sure what I was dealing with. The other man lived halfway across the country, he was happily married, there was no logical reason for me to be jealous.

I said, “I have some sort of an insecurity. Let me try to figure out what’s bothering me, and let’s work through it together as a couple.” It took a few months, but I realized those insecurities were probably reflective of a [past situation] from high school, with a different girl. So we worked through it.

Swinging and couple-swapping together means my wife has sex with other married men on occasion, but she always chooses to come home with me, so jealousy doesn’t even come to mind anymore. There’s no reason, imaginative or real, that would cause me to be jealous.

Has swinging strengthened or improved your relationship at all?
Mrs. Jones: I don’t think swinging has directly improved our relationship. What has improved is our ability to communicate with one another. If you have a good marriage and you’re doing this for the right reasons, swinging is a team sport. You have to really be on the same page. Because we have to talk about things, and because you have to self-reflect as an individual so much and then share that with your partner. That deepens your relationship.

Are there challenges involved with being a couple who swings?
Mrs. Jones: You don’t want playing with other people to become the focus of your relationship. Just keep it real. As far as interacting with other people [goes], I think the biggest challenge is getting to know people first and making sure theyhave a strong relationship. Because we don’t want any drama, and we don’t want to do anything to hurt anyone else’s relationship. Just basically vetting people. So then, when you get to the playtime, it’s just relaxing and fun.

Has swinging strengthened your faith?
Mr. Jones: We have a faith that’s built on a relationship with Jesus, not a bunch of rules. I like to look at it like this: when you grow up in the church, someone else is constructing your faith. Then real life occurs, and something doesn’t make sense, and you have to give yourself permission to deconstruct your faith. [We’ve] reconstructed our faith [based] on what we believe are the fundamental aspects of Christianity, not how some governing body, or church, or some book, told us to behave.

Reclaiming My Inner Slut

BY 

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog post that wasn’t a review. I’ve felt like a bit of a sex blogger fraud and like I haven’t had anything to say since it’s been a long time since I’ve been up to anything slutty. Hell, I’d subtitled my book The Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut and I began to fear people might call me out on not living up to it. My battles with mental illness, particularly depression, essentially stole the latter half of last year and the first few months of this one. Getting sexy fell completely off my radar while I worked to find a version of me that wasn’t just about surviving. Thankfully, I’ve slowly been finding my way back to myself though I still haven’t been able to fully reclaim my sexuality.

It was strange after having several years of super-sexy discovery and exploration to slip into a mode where the sexual piece of me that I’d considered so foundational to my identity was nearly entirely shut off. I no longer felt like the person I’d been for the past three years and seriously wondered if those years had been it for me. Like they’d been a peek into a life that I loved but one with a specific expiry date.

I’d been feeling a big distance in my romantic and sexual relationships and although Flick and I have grown close again, other relationships near and far were changing as we all fought our own battles, and most of those have transitioned into friendships. Adding family stress, changes in Flick’s relationships with his people, and some truly un-sexy physical ailments means I haven’t felt at all like the pervy slut I’d built a community and online presence around.

Unfortunately, when even the effort to lie on your Doxy Die Cast wand to get off feels like way more effort than you could possibly manage, dating and parties seemed out of the question. Even reviewing toys has often felt completely beyond me. You mean I have to get lube and a throe and put this thing inside/on me and then wash it after? Ugh! Occasionally, I have a small window of feeling sexy and fun again, and I’ve tried to take advantage of those moments, but it doesn’t take long to slip right back into the blah.

As someone in their mid 40s who was raised female, I’m ever conscious of both my attractiveness being considered more temporary than that of a man, as well as the hormonal changes that are going to be coming my way that may curb my sexual desire. That ‘last fuckable day’ looms large. As someone who is genderqueer I hope to harness the power of the Silver Fox rather than evolving into the crone. But then I get mad that there’s such a disparity in aging and that attractiveness at 50-plus is a thing reserved for masculine folks and I resent it at same time.

A couple of unexpected recent sexy experiences have reminded me that I do still have the sexually charged, libidinous, exhibitionistic piece of me inside. I felt the strength and charge I used to feel almost constantly at a queer kink event recently while Iris and I played together. To celebrate my 45th birthday, I invited a group of sexy people over to join me for a Babe Bang (more inclusive than Lady Bang but still no cis dudes) and that was an exceptional night of immersing in hedonistic pleasure. More on that night soon.

After not having any luck meeting the kinds of guys I’d like to date as I scrolled the dating apps, I have switched up my approach and have a few dates lined up with sexy women. Through putting myself out there I’ve started seeing someone pretty damn special who has helped me reintegrate the me who’d been trapped behind a wall of depression for far too long. I’m hoping every small step will continue to feed the flickering sexy spark until I’m aglow again with a brightly burning slut flame.